Mum, I miss you!

In my eyes my mum was always my protector, she loved us like we were a part of her soul, a part that wouldn’t fully be able to function without its other counterparts! Its something you take for granted as a kid because you expect your parents will always be there, the thought of death doesn’t cross your mind because well quite frankly they’re not wrinkly or aged enough to pass just yet. I remember the day my mum died, somehow the entire day latched itself onto me and hasn’t ever let go!

I can remember the knot I felt in my stomach, how my body involuntarily stiffened, the winded pain in my chest as if I’d been punched hard a good few times. ‘Mums dead…’ and the phone escapes my hand – something you’d really only expect happens in the movies, only its not, because its real. The room becomes nothing but a whirlwind of destress and I can no longer see through the pools of tears that continuously make way down my face. I’m not worried about holding the tears back, I couldn’t even if I tried. My chest starts to tighten, my lungs feel like they’ve stopped working. Its as if my body has forgotten how to work and I’m left feeling betrayed as I’m forced to gasp for air! Then, I have this really sudden feeling of lifelessness, like I no longer have the energy or will power to go on let alone cry. For the rest of that evening I refused to talk to anyone, I trapped myself in my own thoughts. Every so often when my mind would trail back to reality, that horrible strained feeling as if I’m being choked would reappear in my throat and I’d allow a few tears to shed down my cheeks again.

Its a harsh reality, having someone there that you loved so much suddenly disappear. Everything I’d known, the security I once had, all gone! I was furious!! Furious that I never really got to say a proper goodbye, furious that I could never thank her for the sacrifices she’d made for us but mostly, I was furious that we were forced to watch her die! Over months her body had weakened and her condition deteriorated. Eventually she was unable to speak, she could no longer move, she was a shadow of her original self and It was plain to see that life was leaving her. She’d been diagnosed with cancer and there was nothing that any doctor could do. It was and is still heartbreaking! The future seemed so unsure of itself now, it was just myself & my two older siblings left trying to figure life out on our own. I was 13 years old.

***

I miss my mum every single day. We never got the chance to have that best friend relationship so many mums and daughters have now, I envy that!  We don’t get to have those girly lunches or shopping dates together where we’d talk boys and gossip about everything. I never got to ask her for advice when I needed it the most and we couldn’t even plan the most special day of my life together – my wedding. She never got to meet the man I’m now so crazy about and whats even sadder is that she’ll never get to meet my children.

I don’t often talk about it, how this has effected me over the years. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I keep it all bottled up, but rarely when it all gets a bit much, It comes gushing out. I still shudder when someone who doesn’t know asks me something about her but it happens, I’m accustomed to it now. There will forever be moments in my life that I wish my mum would be around for but won’t be, in those moments I’ll remember how much she loved my siblings and I and how much she would love and adore my little family!

xox

32 Comments

  1. Fran March 27, 2017 / 11:57 am

    Well all I know is your Mum would be so proud of you. You are the most beautiful young lady and have such lovely kids! She’ll alway be watching over you 🙂 lots of love xxxxxxxx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 11:58 am

      You’re amazing!! Thanks Fran you beaut! I hope she would be thats for sure I know she would love the boys so much! Love xoxoxoxo

  2. Mel March 27, 2017 / 1:48 pm

    I’m so so sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye to your mum or have her in your life in the past few years. Hat off to you for having the courage to write about it. Loss is such a taboo subject. Sending you lots of love

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 6:39 pm

      Thank you so much Mel! I feel much better having written it people are always asking me about my mum so I felt it best to write a piece so I didn’t have to explain anymore!

  3. Jessica | growchangeaccept March 27, 2017 / 3:24 pm

    This was such a sad but beautiful read. I can’t imagine what you went through and I hope you know that no matter what, I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you or what you’ve done and become!

    You are a strong, amazing, becautiful independent woman with such a beautiful family! She’ll always be with you in spirit and with every step you take as long as you want her there!

    You are so strong for sharing this, thank you for opening up and letting us read something so personal to you!

    Jessica | growchangeaccept.co.uk

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 6:41 pm

      Awwwh Jessica, you’re making me all teary!! I’m so glad to have written about it I feel like taking about things and being more open really opens you up and I feel so much better and a little bit stronger strangely enough!! xoxox

  4. Ana De- Jesus March 27, 2017 / 5:44 pm

    I can’t help but wipe away my tears as I read this because I can feel your pain jump off the page. I know that you had to stay so strong for so long but there will always be friends and family around you who will be your rock no matter what. You know if you ever do feel sad you can always send me a message. No matter what time of day or night it is 🙂 , you have been so brave to share how your mums death made you feel but I know that she would have been so proud of the lovely woman you have become. You have a family, are successful but most of all are so down to earth. Keep being you xx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 6:42 pm

      Awwwh Ana thats the sweetest thing!! Thank you so much and you know that the same goes to you!! Reading that letter you wrote to your step mum had me in tears but it was such a beautiful declaration and dedication to her!! You are awesome! xoxox

  5. Rachel March 27, 2017 / 6:16 pm

    What a beautiful and poignant post and I suspect your mum is incredibly proud of you and is with you more than you will ever know x

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 6:44 pm

      :’) So lovely!! Thank you so much, I really do hope so she was incredible!

  6. Erin Ek Rush March 27, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    This must have been such a difficult post to write. Your mum sounds like an amazing woman. xx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 10:31 pm

      she certainly was! It was a real emotional one for me but I feel all the better for it!

  7. Rachelanne_bee March 27, 2017 / 9:39 pm

    I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you, and would have loved this post so much. It was so beautiful!

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 27, 2017 / 10:32 pm

      Awwhthank you so much!! Its so lovely that you enjoyed the read even though so personal to me!

  8. Helen Costello March 27, 2017 / 10:40 pm

    Oh this is such a heartfelt post – I’m so sorry that you do not have your Mum to share Mother’s Day with. I’m sure she is looking over you with such pride and love. x

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 29, 2017 / 9:59 am

      Thank you so much!! xox

  9. Lynne Harper March 28, 2017 / 9:19 am

    Lots of loves, it so hard losing a parent. Treasure all the amazing memories you guys created together. I hope that talking about it has helped you a little, i find talking helps lots. x

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 29, 2017 / 10:00 am

      It really has! I’ve always been that way, writing things down makes me feel a lot better!

  10. finja March 28, 2017 / 12:02 pm

    I’m sending lots of love to you girl…… thanks for sharing your story!
    xx finja

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 29, 2017 / 10:00 am

      Thank you!! xox

  11. Vikki Holness March 28, 2017 / 2:02 pm

    This is such a beautifully written and poignant post. My heart absolutely breaks to hear that you lost your mum at such a young age, but know this, she is ALWAYS with you and she would be so incredibly proud of the strong woman and mother you’ve become. xx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 29, 2017 / 10:01 am

      Awwwh my god you’re going to make me teary!! Thats such a lovely comment thank you and I’m really glad to hear you enjoyed the piece!

  12. shelley morecroft March 29, 2017 / 9:36 am

    What a lovely post, it’s so full of emotions and gave me the goosebumps – I am very sorry to hear that you couldn’t share Mother’s Day with your mum, but hope your little boys managed to keep you happy. I’m sure your mum would be very proud of you xx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 29, 2017 / 10:01 am

      Oh absolutely they keep me more than busy and entertained all day haha thanks so much for such a lovely comment!!

  13. fashionmommy March 30, 2017 / 1:29 pm

    I’m so sorry your mom didn’t get to meet your own family, but I’m sure she’s looking over you and is very proud of the person you’ve become.

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk March 31, 2017 / 9:14 am

      Thank you so much!! xox

  14. Rhiannon April 30, 2017 / 4:45 pm

    I teared up reading this.
    I lost my mother this January just gone – I’m 24 now but she’d been ill since I was 4 and almost completely bed bound since I was about 14, so everything you say about not having that best friend relationship, the shopping dates and the lunches and the talks about boy, I can so relate. I’m so, so angry at the world that I never had that and never will have that, and I’m even angrier that my little sister won’t ever get it either.

    I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through what you did, and that you’re still going through it now. And I know I don’t know you personally, but I’m absolutely certain your mam is looking down over you and your little ones and your whole family, and is so so proud of everything you’ve done and continue to do! Xxxx

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk April 30, 2017 / 8:24 pm

      Awwwh Rhiannon this was such a heartfelt comment!! So sorry to hear about your mum and how long she’d been ill for that must have been really difficult for you all!! You’re such a brave girl! Thank you for all tour kind words it means so much you wouldn’t imagine!!!

  15. Ada May 1, 2017 / 11:36 am

    This was so lovely and so brave. I can’t imagine losing my mum as a 30 year old never mind 13! You’re doing so well lovely. Even though you didn’t have as much time with your mum as you should’ve, she obviously did a grey job while she was with you x

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk May 1, 2017 / 1:00 pm

      Awwwh Ada thats such a lovely thing to say thank you for such a beaut comment!!

  16. Chloe May 1, 2017 / 11:36 am

    This post was a proper tear jerker. You’re such a brave person for getting through the grieving and being where you are today. I know that your mum would be so proud of you, for everything you’ve achieved up until now.

    • francescaferrarinelson@yahoo.co.uk May 1, 2017 / 1:02 pm

      Awwh Chloe thank you!! It was a tear jerker to write so I’m glad that emotion came through!! Thank you for the lovely kind words I do hope she’d be proud!! Xox

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