In my eyes my mum was always my protector, she loved us like we were a part of her soul, a part that wouldn’t fully be able to function without its other counterparts! Its something you take for granted as a kid because you expect your parents will always be there, the thought of death doesn’t cross your mind because well quite frankly they’re not wrinkly or aged enough to pass just yet. I remember the day my mum died, somehow the entire day latched itself onto me and hasn’t ever let go!
I can remember the knot I felt in my stomach, how my body involuntarily stiffened, the winded pain in my chest as if I’d been punched hard a good few times. ‘Mums dead…’ and the phone escapes my hand – something you’d really only expect happens in the movies, only its not, because its real. The room becomes nothing but a whirlwind of destress and I can no longer see through the pools of tears that continuously make way down my face. I’m not worried about holding the tears back, I couldn’t even if I tried. My chest starts to tighten, my lungs feel like they’ve stopped working. Its as if my body has forgotten how to work and I’m left feeling betrayed as I’m forced to gasp for air! Then, I have this really sudden feeling of lifelessness, like I no longer have the energy or will power to go on let alone cry. For the rest of that evening I refused to talk to anyone, I trapped myself in my own thoughts. Every so often when my mind would trail back to reality, that horrible strained feeling as if I’m being choked would reappear in my throat and I’d allow a few tears to shed down my cheeks again.
Its a harsh reality, having someone there that you loved so much suddenly disappear. Everything I’d known, the security I once had, all gone! I was furious!! Furious that I never really got to say a proper goodbye, furious that I could never thank her for the sacrifices she’d made for us but mostly, I was furious that we were forced to watch her die! Over months her body had weakened and her condition deteriorated. Eventually she was unable to speak, she could no longer move, she was a shadow of her original self and It was plain to see that life was leaving her. She’d been diagnosed with cancer and there was nothing that any doctor could do. It was and is still heartbreaking! The future seemed so unsure of itself now, it was just myself & my two older siblings left trying to figure life out on our own. I was 13 years old.
I miss my mum every single day. We never got the chance to have that best friend relationship so many mums and daughters have now, I envy that! We don’t get to have those girly lunches or shopping dates together where we’d talk boys and gossip about everything. I never got to ask her for advice when I needed it the most and we couldn’t even plan the most special day of my life together – my wedding. She never got to meet the man I’m now so crazy about and whats even sadder is that she’ll never get to meet my children.
I don’t often talk about it, how this has effected me over the years. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I keep it all bottled up, but rarely when it all gets a bit much, It comes gushing out. I still shudder when someone who doesn’t know asks me something about her but it happens, I’m accustomed to it now. There will forever be moments in my life that I wish my mum would be around for but won’t be, in those moments I’ll remember how much she loved my siblings and I and how much she would love and adore my little family!