To my little darlings,
I’ve learnt very quickly that the world we live in isn’t quite as innocent as I remember as a child. Its not difficult to imagine living in a world full of so much hate when you’re already living in it. But you, you can’t comprehend any of it. You don’t understand why someone has so much hate in their soul that they’d kill an innocent bystander, to be perfectly honest neither do I. You don’t understand why the evils of the world are so focused on destroying the lives of others, sometimes even the lives of their own. Or why our governments response to such terror is to react with the same level of atrocity, causing more heartbreak, more pain, more wrong. You’re both too young to understand the goings on of this world, the mass killings, the innocent lives taken, the horror of what just one persons actions can cause.
My precious sons, you both revel in your innocence as children should do, without a care in the world. I see you both, daily, spreading love, spreading kindness, spreading goodness. When I look at your faces, the faces of our future, I see hope. Hope of a life you truly deserve, a life not lived in fear, a life not dominated by evil, a world you’ll one day feel happy bringing your own children into – That has been my failure to you!
I’m sorry, sorry that I couldn’t do a better job at protecting you from the world, from all of its pain, all of its suffering, all of its hate!
I’m sorry that as you grow older you’ll learn the truth about what kind of a world we live in.
I’m sorry that this is not the world you imagined, its nothing like a fairy tale, superheros don’t wait in the darkness to save the day.
I’m sorry that there is no easy way to make this all okay.
I’m sorry that as you grow older and more independent I’ll get on your nerves by ringing your phone over and over again until you pick up, not because of anything you’ve done, but because every moment you’re not in my sight there will be a part of me thats worried about you, your safety, your wellbeing.
I’m sorry that this world couldn’t be a little more innocent, like you.
I’m sorry that there will and have been days I can’t face leaving the house out of fear of what could happen.
I’m sorry that I’m not a great example of bravery.
I’m sorry that this world is a scary place.
You hear a police siren and you’re excited ‘its the police mum, they’re so cool’, I hear a police siren and feel an instant panic.
You see the faces of children on the front page of the newspaper ‘who’s that mum? Whats their name?’, I see the innocent victims of a heinous attack who sadly lost their lives.
You feel love, you feel gentleness, you’re kind hearted to all ‘Everyones my best friend’, I feel let down by the world, I feel sadness, I feel desperate.
You are what makes this world beautiful.
You are what gives me hope.
You remind me that there is goodness in the world.
You are the reason I believe that love conquers all.
You are the purest example of what love is.
You are what this world needs more of.
My promises to you –
I promise to always try my best to be an example of love not hate.
I promise to always try my absolute hardest to keep you both safe.
I promise to never take life of love for granted.
I promise to inspire you to be the best version of yourself.
I promise to listen when all you need is someone to talk to.
I promise to love you forever and always.
I promise to never give up on you, on life, or the world.
I promise to never let go of hope!
I love you